Biking to work is easy and rather enjoyable, but the moment that I have to bike home I regret biking in the first place. Why on earth do I live on such a large hill? and why does it have to be such a fucking gradual incline practically the whole way? I am too weak to be doing this. My poor legs are shaking uncontrolably (only a slight exaggeration).

Something that I find really silly… people wearing fake glasses. I do not see the appeal of them. The purpose of glasses is to help your eyesight. Not make a fasion statement. People are silly, silly, silly. 

Never request an autograph from a pro athlete, a movie star, or a Kardashian. Our troops fight and die for them. Get their signatures.

Anonymous asked: Why do you feel that no one cared when you quit swimming? Where is your anger stemming from? To be honest, I think you're missing a lot. I don't think you understand that maybe people did care. But caring and showing are often not perfectly in line; I know you expect them to be but they're not. Maybe you should try to see it from their perspectives. Maybe they're not all bitches. Maybe YOU could give THEM a chance. They don't deserve to be judged sp. Not every one of them is who you think.

Perhaps I did a poor job explaining myself, but I think that is the point. I am trying to WORK through my anger. If I had figured it out, I would have no use for my blog. I distinctly expressed that my anger is coming from a dark place, for where else would it comes from? Contrary to popular belief, I do not enjoy being angry. In regards to most of this comment, I do not know who you are… but I question if you are in the right place to be judging me at all?

I have done my best to get past the hurt of losing my dream of swimming. The friendship aspect has never been the biggest problem, but it is the easiest to explain when I talk about friendships, for it is the only thing that I ever knew before college. For some reason, that is the aspect you seemed to focus your attention on, but I fear that we have differect areas of focus. Yours swim team, and mine: anger.

As far as seeing it from “thier perspective”.  It is easy to see it from a swimmer’s perspective…. You are busy all the time. Swimming consumes your life. You have this powerful bond with your teammates because it feels like no one else could possibly understand the level of commitment or effort you go through on a consistent basis. When someone leaves, you may want to stay in touch initially, but it is not practical. Your life is swimming, and your home is the pool….. So do not try to patronize me. Believe me, I KNOW how swimmers are. I was one of them afterall.

And maybe you read something that I did not see, but I NEVER thought nor think that my old team mates were bitches. I was hurt because I lost ALL my friends. It mattered not that they intentionally hurt me or not. Logically, I understood that no one meant to hurt me. But when has anger ever been logical? 

Maybe I am wrong, but it seems to me that you have never been injured and isolated from all your friends. Have you ever gone through depression where you felt so worthless that you didn’t want to be part of this world anymore? Have you ever been ripped from your life and not able to work out? Every time you move your shoulder, are you constantly reminded of everything that you lost? Maybe you have, but then I do not think you would have written those questions.

Overall, this comment is beyond upset for many reasons:

First, it was cowardly to make this comment anonymous. You obviously know me personally, and I like to think that everyone I know would have had the decency to ask me something this outlandish to my face rather than hiding behind a computer screen.

Secondly, I have already acknowledged that I am angry and that I am going to therapy to work out my problems. My anger goes far beyond  my petty life as a swimmer. Mostly it involves my father, which I am not ready to talk about yet. I only mentioned swimming because that was my escape and it was a big part of my life once. I use my blog as a way to sort through my feelings, which I have a difficult time doing. Maybe it does not always come across clear. My bad.

Thirdly, not that I really need to explain, but I have been having a hard time with friendships these past two years or so. And yes, I chose not to remain friends with my old teammates, that was my decision (one they made easier for me). When you take away swimming, we had little to nothing in common. I was free for the first time in my life to really be myself and chose the people I wanted in my life. That is a freedom that swimming does not allow. It is not that I thought the people on the swim team were or are “bitches” or bad people…. far from it… but they do not make good friends for the reasons I listed earlier. They have thier own little messed up world where it is difficult (not impossible) to maintain friendship outside the pool. 

Perhaps, I am “missing a lot”. I would not know. I am sure I am missing plenty of things in my life, but, (you and me), we are different people. You need to recognize that. You know nothing of the things that I am going through. I am happy that you seem to get a lot from the swim team. You truly are blessed, but please do not tell me how I am feeling or should act. 

I think people get thrown off due to my hard exterior. I come off as a bitch, but that is just becuase they never bothered to know me. If I somehow offended you in some way, I am truly sorry. Mostly likely you read something into my blog that I never intended. You focused on one aspect and seemed to dismiss the rest. Perhaps you do not like the way I act or project myself. My only consolation is that you do not have to like me. It is your right to feel the way you feel.

Since you commented on my blog, I feel like I have the right to give a little advice. Perhaps YOU could take your own advice. “Maybe you should try to see it from MY perspective. I may not really be the bitch that you seem to think that I am. I don’t deserved to be judged for my blog or how I feel. I may not be the person you think I am”.

I have decided to make a quilt. In my free time, I intend to be creative. I already have 5 paintings that I want to complete by the end of the summer. Those should take me a good chunck of time, but I paint to relieve stress. I do not want to have painting become a chore, so I decided to mix it up a little bit. Between work, reading, painting, and now making a quilt, my summer has turned into a rather busy one! I did not think that I would  say this, but I am kindof liking my summer. Or at least I am enjoying it more than I thought I would :)

Sometimes days like these show your truest of true emotions. Although, I hate getting that upset to the point that I throw up, hyperventilate, and in all regards lose complete control of my body. It scares me to see that darkest side of my soul….. yet maybe some good has come out of it… maybe?